Learning dependence

Oftentimes, it is hard to learn to be dependent on someone else. Especially if you have spent most of your adult life being independent. Many things that you have taken for granted now become precious.   These days, I miss most the times when I can just easily go out of the house and go anywhere I wanted to. Meet friends, buy grocery, see a movie, go to the bank, or even just to chill out inside the mall. I could still do these things here but because I couldn't drive yet on my own, I have become very dependent on people around me like my husband, my mother-in-law, friends from Bible studies, or friends of those friends who are kindhearted enough to be a blessing to a previously unknown person. It is even more challenging to worry that you are becoming a burden or a bother to them. Back in Manila, I was used to doing things for other people.   I was reminded today that sometimes we find it hard to receive than to give. I guess we took to heart the saying about giving is better than receiving. At the end of the day, though, I should just consider it as another manifestation of God's goodness for, in fact, everything comes from God.   It is a lesson on humility. I am learning to accept the goodness of people here. Thank God that there are still people like that. And hopefully, someday soon, I too will be able to pass forward the goodness that I received and give it to those who are in need.

Thanksgiving

It is a little late for posting but here is the turkey we had for Thanksgiving. It weighed around 22 pounds! That is almost 10 kilos! Just imagine how heavy it was! Happily, 9 people shared in eating half of it and the rest were eaten by us for the next 3 days!

I heard so much about how people eat too much on Thanksgiving. Maybe it was just our group but I think we showed some moderation and just ate a little more than usual.

What I enjoyed most this day was the time each one spoke about what they are thankful for. Thanks to the idea brought up by a little sweet boy! For this year, I am so thankful for my husband and his loving family and friends. And of course, so much grateful to God for all His blessings!

Driving

I have been practicing how to drive the past few months. It's fun and frightening at the same time. I remember the first time when my husband brought me to a university parking lot on a Saturday afternoon. There were no cars so it was safe (for others!) while I tried to figure out once again the lessons I learned from the driving school. I made left turns, right turns, while making sure I did the correct turn signal. The next time, we went to the empty Miller Park (before the baseball game began!). I was able to practice driving at 25 miles/hour. For a newbie like me, that was terrifying! I could feel the motor revving up and it made me feel shaky.   Then, we started driving on the road. And practiced doing the Y-turn, the parallel parking, backing up, and of course, the normal parking.   These days, 25 miles/hr is normal for me. When I an supposed to  do 50 mi/hr then I get shaky. Twice, I was allowed to drive for a mile on the freeway which required 65 mi/hr. That distance was sufficient for me!   I am still learning how to correctly change lanes. This one is never easy because you have to consider other drivers' speed, direction and distance from you. You also cannot slow down because the car coming behind might hit you.   Driving is one of those things I wanted to learn as part of my bucket list. This time, though, I really have to know how to do it. There is no way for me to go around on my own unless I drive myself. Amazing how things turn out.

Omnium-Gatherum (various 2011-01)

So here it is, one of my meanderings. I want to write something each day, especially the first time experiences but somehow I can’t put them into pretty words. But who said that they should be pretty?

It is 16° C and I am very happy. It was 7° C yesterday and I was a bit chilly. Even with a heater, there are certain moments that I was really cold because I had to wait for it to automatically turn on when it senses that the temperature inside is going down. So there I was, with 4 layers of clothes, socks and a pair of soft, warm fluffy slippers cum shoes.

I think that if I were not basically an introvert person, I would be really lonely here. As it is, I can find things to entertain myself. Like what I wrote before, learning how to cook and bake. I can easily borrow books and movies from the library but then, I have come to dread the 20-minute walk. Not because of the distance but because of the weather. Anyway, there are still some interesting shows on the television. I only wish that there are not too many live jury and reality shows. I can’t bear those. Why would anyone want their private lives to be known publicly?

We went shoe hunting last Friday. Just getting prepared for the cold winter. I am amazed though how sales are being done here. The products are already on sale but you get an extra 30% off. After all the discounts, a pair of shoes would cost $20 instead of the original $60. And so I wonder how companies are earning. Hmmm… but since products are mostly from China, the original price could very well be $5. And there goes the profit. Just thinking…

I was raking leaves a few days ago. I never thought I would do that one day. But there I was, making 5 piles of dry leaves. There is some satisfaction from doing some hard labor (hard? Hahaha).

A friend brought me to the Mitchell Park Conservatory (The Domes). Three domes, each with a specific theme : a tropical jungle, a desert oasis and floral gardens. It was lovely to see familiar plants from Manila. I loved best the floral gardens. Here are some pictures:

Another journey

A little more than three months have passed and yet, a lot has changed when I embarked on the 2^nd most important adventure of my life (the first was when I gave my life to Christ). I now have to think in miles and Fahrenheit. I check the hourly changes in temperature each day. I wear more layers of clothes compared to some people around me because I am not yet used to the cold. I sometimes forget to get the change from the coin dispenser because I didn’t know that such a thing existed before. I am learning how to bake and cook healthy meals as I wait for the washer and dryer to make a sound to signal that it is time to get the clothes. I now bear a different surname and speak a language that is not completely my own. And, of course, I hold the hand of my wonderful husband every time we pray together.

The steps that led me to this path were not easy. Doubts and fears assailed me as I constantly conversed with God. Back then, the idea of leaving everything that I had known all my life was somehow unthinkable. Thinking about what challenges I would need to face was sometimes too frightening that I had to stop and just ask God again and again if I was hearing Him right.

We do know that people have taken their bags and left what they call home to pursue dreams and follow their hearts. I did the second.

I am still amazed sometimes that I am here, living with my husband, being loved and loving in return. In the beginning, I often asked him if I was really here and that I was not dreaming. These days though, we are finding it hard to imagine what it was like when we were not together.

And for all these, I have God to thank for. I know that it is a miracle how He orchestrated everything and He let everything fall into place.

As I continue this adventure I have taken, I hope to put into words the things I am discovering and learning. Like seeing fall colors for the first time. Or relearning how to bike. Or just savoring the joy of cooking.

Little things matter

Whenever I am asked what my purpose is here on earth or what I want to do, I have a standard reply: to make a difference in people’s lives (aside from loving God). In any way possible. Often though, I wonder if I am able to do that. Compared to what so many famous and rich people are doing, what I am able to do seems paltry. Think about the amount of money Bill Gates and Warren Buffet donate to charity. How about when Oprah gave away houses, cars, and scholarships? Or when an organization feeds hundreds of hungry people or sends poor kids to school?

I know though that little things matter. Even by just forwarding a website. Or giving a book.

I was reminded by this when a friend told me how the book (Wild Goose Chase by Mark Batterson) I wrote about in this blog helped invigorate God’s vision for her life. She shared the content in her mission trip to Indonesia. One of the attendees heard it and felt it was a confirmation of a call from God. He joined a mercy ship.

A book (The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson) I gave to this same friend fell into the hands of her brother. His dreams were reawakened. He decided to shift his career direction and is now going through training to pursue his dreams in computer art.

In our quest for healthy activities, a friend and I attended a yoga class. I felt it wasn’t right so I researched for a Christian alternative. I forwarded the website (www.praisemoves.com) to my friend and her interest was piqued. She bought videos and books. To make the long story short, she is now the first certified Praisemoves instructor here in the Philippines.

I emphasize that what I did was very simple. God anointed the authors of the books and the creator of the new exercise. My friends and those connected to them were already seeking God’s direction and were ready to listen. I know that God could and would have still used various means to speak to them. I am just glad that I somehow played a very small role.  Just goes to show that everything we do for God has meaning. Even just by passing information.

Just a piece in the Story

This month will go down in history for the devastating quake and tsunami in Japan as well as the political upheavals in the Middle East. These events were and are subject of many news reports and conversations. We read about miraculous survivals from the deluge of seawater, the sacrificial work of employees as they try to fix the nuclear plants, and about the fortitude and calm reaction of the Japanese people. In another part of the world, we hear about the devastating effects of the push-pull movements between government and rebel groups as each try to gain and extend their control on territories. We still do not know what would be the end result of such big stories that would someday be turned into novels and even movies.

                                        

All these makes me wonder sometimes what is the place of my tiny, little story in a world that seems to be going through the birth pains of what many say is the beginning of its ending. Concerns about my shoulder spasm, career direction and personal status may seem like irrelevant compared to a nation who lost so much including the life of thousands of people, or to battles for ideologies related to democracy and individual rights.

 

Yet, I know that God is concerned about my personal story. How?

 

From Bible stories. Jesus took time to talk to a Samaritan woman, who wrongfully lived with five men, so that she would receive the Living water. He called on to Zacchaeus and visited his house so that this tax collector could repent and give back what he took. Jesus personally spoke to Saul for him to change from the wrong path to the True Way to follow God.

 

From stories of people I know. Friends who were finally healed from common and dreaded diseases. Women whose wombs were opened. Stories about hearts and lives who were transformed because of the saving grace of Christ. And most especially, the life testimonies of those who remained faithful even though they cannot see or have not received yet the promises given to them.

 

From the storytelling of nature and animal kingdom.  Each time the sun gloriously shows its color while it sets. Through the wonders of color and movement of creatures under the sea. When I see the ever changing shapes and arrangement of clouds in the sky. Whenever a cat purrs and stretches out its furry and flexible body. When I hear the melodious chirping of birds.

 

I know that there is one great story unfolding. It is the story of God and His love for humanity. But like any completed puzzle, each piece is still important to the Maker. Thus, I know that my little story matter to Christ. I should not hesitate to come to Him with my requests because I know He is listening and He cares. What I need to do is to wait, have faith, and most importantly, live out my story. Because He is weaving it. A story of love, forgiveness, grace and victory. 

Journey of a young adult (2011 Learning series)

During my teen-age years in the youth ministry, I had some opportunities to interact with members of the young adults ministry. I got this impression that they are mature, spiritually, emotionally, etc.. To me, many appeared to be accomplished, confident, and they seemed to know what they want in life or where they are headed. I wished then that I would soon grow up so that I would be like them, sure of many things in life.

 

Fast forward to today and I can only smile while I remember that not-so-wrong-yet-not-completely-right premise. I should have verbalized my thoughts then to some of the young adults I considered as a big brother or sister. They would have explained to me the real deal.

 

Why? Because being a young adult right now, I have a fair idea of where they were then.

 

Am I mature? In some aspects, yes but in many ways, no. Compared to a teen-ager who has not seen and experienced much of life, I might seem very mature. But as the years go by and as I go through different stages in life, I encounter new challenges. My reactions and response would sometimes be so immature I could only try to hide what I have done, even from myself. Experience, mine or that of other people, has taught me to be wise about my choices and to weigh everything from the eternal perspective.

 

Am I confident? More and more, only because I am learning to whom I should I put my confidence into. Otherwise, I would just be another insecure and afraid soul lost in a world that is full of people who have the external packaging of oozing confidence but are surely fighting their own battles of self doubt. There are days though when I falter, unsure of what step to take, especially if your heart and mind are clouded.

 

Do I know what I want out of life or where I am headed? In many ways, I am still that same girl who doesn’t know where she should go. However, God, life and people have tutored me well to put my trust in God, seek His will and act on what I think is best in whatever circumstance I am in. I wish making choices has become easier. But then, as a friend rightfully reminded me, if it happens, then it is God’s will, if not, then it is not.

 

My journey as a young adult is not yet over. There are hurdles to overcome, crossroads to walk through, fears to conquer but victories to celebrate and joys to cherish. Life does not end there though. There would other stages to go through if God would allow it to be so : to be  a wife, a mother, a grandmother, etc. Interspersed into these would be friendship, career and ministry. Above all these, I am glad to know that there is my Father who sees the big picture and holds my hand.

Local Christmas

Whenever I leave Manila during Christmas time, part of me does not want to go. Though this season brings a negative side, I remember the good things.

Gifts to open as early as December 1 if your company party falls on that day. Various savory foods to try because friends and family would utilize their culinary skills. Or enjoy the tasty meals offered by restaurants since the bosses or the company foots the bill.

What I delight in are reunions. People you have not seen for a long time would suddenly appear during get- togethers. The fellowship time during meal times is immensely filling, emotionally.

Then there is the joy of giving and receiving. I usually make a list of the people I want to bless and appreciate. Often, it can be challenging how you try to budget your resources and still make someone smile. The other side? I get suprised when someone hands me a gift since I often do not think that I would get something.

I will definitely not miss the daunting traffic, the crowd that fill many public spaces and the pollution that firecrackers bring (for New Year).

This year though, I will miss the people and celebrations. But then, one can be anywhere in the world and enjoy this important season. Just remember the reason we are celebrating and be with people you care for.

Merry Christmas! :)

Surreal yet real

The past week was partly surreal for me. The things I have been doing were so unlike of me. Joining a retreat even if I did not know anyone. Posed some probing questions to people I just met like my seatmate on the bus and my groupmates (on the first hour!). Asking a guy to have his picture taken with us because my groupmate likes him. Requesting the event photographer to take our group picture even if I do not know him. And etc etc.

On the other hand, I found something real. Apart from the spiritual renewal, what I like next about this retreat was that I met new friends. It was a prayer that I uttered to God in the past few months because I felt I needed new kindred souls. So I was happily surprised to receive a gift I did not expect to find.

I do not know if i would be able to completely write about what I have learned ove the week-end. I may not find the right words or sufficient time to write. For now, I would like to savor the reality that there are no accidents with God. And that He can orchestrate big and small incidents so that His purpose would be realized.

Being one with God

I do not really know what I was expecting when I joined the retreat. When asked directly by the facilitator, as part of the introductory questions during the first group session, I replied that I want to meet with God. It is not like I ran away from Him or that I got lost. It just that I wanted to have more of His peace and to lay down questions on His feet, hoping to find answers in return.

The past year has been filled with various transitions in several aspects of my life. The uncertainty in many things left me wondering which direction to take. Often, I just wanted to hear an audible voice from God so that I do not need to make any choice or so that my heart would settle down for knowinh what to expect. But of course, life does not happen this way. Most of the time, we find ourselves taking a step of faith. If we make a mistake, we take a step back then head towards a new direction.

Did I hear an audible voice on what to do? Yes and no. No, because God is still teaching me to wait for His revelations at His perfect timing. A day by day journey. Yes, because through His words and the messages of Godly people, I knew He is directing me to take a specific choice.

The year ends with at least one certainty. I know where to go back to when I return from my vacation. For that, I am thankful and at peace.

Just Praise Him

As we were told to break out from the group and spend some quiet time alone, I wondered what should be the things to pray for. I did come here to ask God for answers and revelations.

When I checked a message that just came in my phone, I read a forwarded Bible verse. Colossians 2:1-2 says "You have been raised to life with Christ. Now SET YOUR HEART on what is in heaven, where CHRIST RULES at God's right side. THINK ABOUT WHAT IS UP THERE, not about what is here on earth.

The assigned Scripture passages for the day were from Psalms 146-150 (www.fromgardentocity.com). These all talked about praising God.

So thus, I was reminded not to concern myself with the cares of the world. At least, not right now. Instead, let myself focus on God and praise Him for everything. Because of His attributes, His love, His creation, His being awesome and for His majesty.

Thank you, Lord, for reminding me that it is not about me. It is all about You. Praise be Your name!

Being courageous

If signing up to attend a retreat without confirming if anyone I know is coming means courage then I guess I have that. At least that is how a friend described my decision to join. I just felt that I needed to spend time away from many things and be with God.

The reality of my decision dawned on me when I arrived at the assembly area and saw almost a thousand participants and I didn't know what I was supposed to do. But I found myself smiling and amused with the adventure I got myself into once again. My rationalization? I wanted an encounter with God and thus, it does not matter if I am a stranger to everyone.

God, in His goodness, allowed me to get a seat beside someone who was also on her own. 2 minutes later, we were talking and laughing. And throughout the first day, I saw 3 other people I know. By then, I was already at home with my assigned groupmates.

I have always considered myself as shy around many people. I guess though that I have grown a lot since those days when I would just remain in my quiet corner. Or maybe, I just felt at home with fellow believers who gathered together to be one with God.

Being courageous takes time and learning. I know that I am still growing. I am joyful and grateful though for the little victories I am experiencing.

Omnium-Gatherum (Random Thoughts 12)

23. Just 23. Compare that with 46, 49, 80, 170 and 139, then the mixture of these two numbers seems paltry. What does 23 mean? The number of articles or entries I did for 2010. And that makes me a bit sad, realizing that I haven’t written that much this year. I know that I blog partly because I want to practice writing but another reason is it helps me remember good things that happened in my life.

 

O well. I do have a reason. 2010 brought about shoulder pains that hindered me from using the computer at home. Why? Because I wrote too much in 2008 and 2009 (170 and 139 entries, respectively). Which explains the pains.

 

= = =

 

I read yesterday that the rains would continue on until May of 2011. Because of the La Niña phenomenon. So what happens to our summer then? Will we miss the heat that begins mid-March and continues on till late May? Probably not. But then, there wouldn’t be reason enough to enjoy the beaches and sea breezes. I remembered the people who got affected by Ondoy and realized what they must be feeling. Nervous whenever there is a hint of flooding. I would feel the same.

 

= = =

 

Piolo Pascual officially opened the Christmas season in the Ayala malls two weeks ago. Together with Agot Isidro, they sang various Christmas melodies. Yeah, it was kinda early to a lot of people’s standards but here in the Philippines, it is just normal. We do have the longest Christmas season in the whole world. Christmas songs would start playing on the 1^st of September. Recently, Halloween  decors began sharing space with Christmas ornaments and trees.

 

I often feel the Christmas season when I sense the cooling of air, when the traffic worsens and when I see Christmas lights and poinsettia flowers all over the Ayala streets. December will begin next week. The get-together and eating will also commence!

 

= = =

 

The last three evening had been a bit tiring as I packed and unpacked my father’s bags. Trying to make sure that the suitcases won’t go beyond the allowed weight. Checking if the bottles are well-protected, the medicine well-packed and the space rightly utilized.

 

Interesting what a visiting Filipino has in his bags when he goes back abroad. Dried herbs, fish and squid. Favorite soap brands. Carica Virgin coconut oil and toothpaste. Chinese medicine. Goldilocks polvoron, chocnut, Mulach ensamada, boy bawang and of course, the Magic Sing. Don’t’ forget the delicious dried mangoes and tamarind candies! Only the Filipinos! We are so unique!

Owning Thanksgiving Day

I greeted several friends in the States a Happy Thanksgiving Day. I know from history that it is being celebrated every fourth Thursday of the month of November and that it started from the time the Pilgrims from England, settled in America, and were thankful for their first bountiful harvest. I’ve read and watched on TV and movies about preparations and eating of turkey, sidings, desserts and most importantly, the gathering together of families.

 

Considering the many challenges the U.S. had, is having and will face in the future, I know that many of my friends in the States, of whatever nationality or origin, are celebrating this day for what it is : to be thankful.  And even though I know that it is not my event to celebrate, I am taking this time also to be thankful. Lord, thank you for :

 

-          the protection You hedge around me and my loved ones as we face each day of uncertainty

-          the provision of our needs and for lavishing us with our wants

-          the wisdom to decide on what to say, to think, to feel and to do

-          the limbs that allow me to write, eat, walk, run, stand, dance, jump, etc.

-          the ability to understand and have compassion for the weak and the needy

-          the blessings so that I can bless those who are lacking

-          the faith to trust in You and believe always that You are in control

-          the heart that can be sensitive to Your moving and direction

-          many friends who are journeying with me as I travel through life

-          my family who loves me and care about me

-          my job so that I could exercise the skills You gave me and receive compensation for it

-          the beautiful earth, every sunset and sunrise, the refreshing water, colorful fishes and graceful mountains

-          learnings, experiences and even trials that enrich my life and matures my faith

-          the forgiveness of my sins and the grace to love me continuously

-          unexpected gifts and surprises

-          my health, delicious food and tasty fruits

-          technology that makes distance shorter and communication better

-          books that teach my mind and heart to believe, trust and dream

 

The list would be too long if I jot  down all the things I am thankful for. Surely, God knows what is in my heart and what I want to thank Him for. I know that it is important to do this because we can always take for granted the blessings that we receive and forget  to be grateful.

 

Dear Lord, help me to always have a thankful heart. For the pain and pleasure. For the lack and the blessings. For the correction and affirmation.  For everything. Thank you.

Love for learning

I love reading. I remember that I spent most of my college days inside the library. Many would think it a boring life but I had a blast while I saw the world through the eyes of writers. Through those stories I have read, I saw and “experienced” a world of adventure, knowledge, discoveries and dreams. I cried, laughed, loved, dreamt, planned, prayed, and many more with the characters. There was joy in reading and then later on, seeing, visiting and experiencing those places.

 

Through the years, I have come to the conclusion that a love for reading meant a wider perspective and a teachable mind. I believed it to be so because I see it in my life (I hope that it is true!). Recently though, I have come to a better conclusion when I connected the dots that should have been obvious to me : we have different learning styles and there are different mediums to pass on information. The conclusion? There should be a love for learning. Through reading, listening, interacting, touching, observing, etc.

 

I hope I will always have that… the love for learning!

Mangoes and surprises

Our country is famous for our delicious ripe mangoes.

 

I love eating this sweet and juicy tropical fruit. As part of breakfast, combining it with salad or pasta, as an afternoon snack, a dessert delight after a sumptuous dinner or to assuage midnight pangs.

 

At the other side of the spectrum is the green mango. Still very firm, light green in color on the inside, very sour with just a hint of its budding sweetness. I like it better when it is transformed into a sweet-sour fruit shake.

 

Which one do I like better? The ripe, yellow kind or the sour, green one? It depends on what I am looking for.

 

Sometimes though, eating ripe mangoes can surprise you. It can look very ripe and yellow, yet when you eat it, you will find a sour taste inside. Mainly because it was forced to ripen early. But then, who is to say that the initial sourness you tasted is not good? One has to appreciate it because it contrasts with the sweetness that you could find as you bite more into the inside. For the sweet taste might just be hiding inside. And also, there is that promise that the next mango you get has attained that sweetness that you are yearning for.

 

But with the sour, green one, you are fairly certain what to expect and it is what you get.

 

Life is like eating mangoes. You really do not know what you will encounter. You just have to trust that somehow, whatever you find inside would be delicious. Sometimes, the outside would be a bit sour and it becomes sweeter as you bite more into the inside.

 

Unless you just remain safe and satisfy yourself with the sour one.

Time does not heal

We’ve heard of the old adage : Time heals. I learned though (thanks to Boundless!) that it is not true. It is not time which heals us. It is God. We have heard of many stories wherein decades would pass by yet a hurt person would not be able to forgive another person or even himself/herself.

 

And thus, I do agree. Time does not heal. God, who controls everything including time, is the only one who could. But for God to heal us, we too need to give up the pain and more so, the pride that is in our hearts when we feel we were wrongfully hurt.

 

I have learned to forgive others and myself. True, through the passage of time. Only because each day that I live life, God is teaching me and showing me His perspective. Many times when we are too deep in a situation, we do not see the big picture. We are not rational. As days, months and years go by, we then see the past objectively. Only then would we see that it is easier to forgive… and forget. For in the context of eternity, nothing else matters except if we loved God and loved our neighbors.

 

Thankful that God created time. Most importantly, that He could heal pain. Any pain.

Err in assumptions

The verb form of the word says it all : to assume. We make assumptions based on perceived meaning of each word, action, facial expression, tone of voice, and physical appearance. Unfortunately, we make these based on our past experiences, background, educational attainment, interaction with people and personal dreams. And because of this, we err. Why?Because they, too, come with different and varrying experiences and backgrounds.

What was meant as friendship could be mistaken as courtship. Words of concern could be considered as meddling. Expressions of dissatisfaction could be just a sign for more learning. Or for all these, it could be the other way around.

My experiences have brought me face to face with both kinds. When good intentions were looked upon suspiciously. And when attempts to correct a mistake not taken seriously. I try not to fall into the habit of making assumptions and instead look at everything positively. A Herculean task, it's true but we still try.

Someday, I might just succeed.

Two faceted change

Change is constant. There is no use trying to stop it from happening. It would be like pushing yourself against the strength of a powerful tide.

I like change. Often I crave it. There is beauty in seeing new things happening in our life. For together with change, there is learning. We are pushed to go beyond what we have known. We get to see and experience the "new."

Yet, the other side of change also bring sadness. We long for the days we have enjoyed, the friendships which flourished, the past which could never be again.

So we learn to accept the bitter-sweet change. Hoping that the next one to come would alleviate the longings and even make your life richer than before.