I can't wait

for this day to be over...

Everything in its time by Corinne May

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead

How long till my hunger is fed

They say it's hard to make it in this part of town

So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology

Some turn to crystal balls

To find an answer,

To get through it all

I just fall on my knees and I try to pray

In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides

Out to the ocean and under the sky

I promise you, the answer will come

Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind

Somebody must have moved that finish line

There are a thousand reasons

Why I should give up

But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides

Out to the ocean and under the sky

I promise you, the answer will come

Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan

One I still can't see

A little surprise, like your love in my life

Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides

Out to the ocean and under the sky

I promise you, the answer will come

Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

Everything in its time

Everything in its time

Declaring independence

I downed three champagne-filled glasses last Tuesday. And it was not to celebrate the event of the night, the National Day of France (Bastille day). Surprisingly, I did not feel tipsy (normally, a glass of red wine would do that). Either the champagne was bien-equilibre, or I was wise enough to eat before drinking, or maybe, just maybe, my system was celebrating with me.

I have established my weird habit of making deadlines... even for my emotions. Thus, a few weeks before Tuesday, it entered my mind : why not make this specific date as my freedom day? Since this event requires us to dress up and celebrate, then it is just the right moment to put an end to that which has ended.

My friends (in the office) and I toasted to this idea. And also to a better year for each one of us, wherever we may find ourselves. It was a good idea. No, make that a great idea. The grieving and healing should be done by now. I have accepted what should and should not be. It's time to forget the past and look forward to the future. A new year has started.

That day was my independence day!

I am learning: Seasons of growth in God

I am a young adult. In the dictionary, an adult is defined as one who has grown into maturity or attained full strength. Attach the word “young” and I understand the phrase to refer to someone who is in the process of growing into maturity. 

Do I really feel that I am maturing? Often, I do not because, in reality, as my age increases each year, I recognize more and more that there are so many things I still need to learn and understand. I still feel lost and small when I am faced with new and bigger challenges, imagined or not. I still act juvenile when things are out of my control. Sometimes, when I am hurt by someone, I lash out foolishly at the person. And so sometimes, the thought flits through my mind of wanting the bygone days and to go back to being a child lost in my selfish world.

But do I want to really go back? I do not. Like many of my friends, I do not want to go back to who I was in the past. Why? Because I have now become a better person.

I have learned to temper my feelings. From being melodramatic, languishing in my emotions, to being more objective and in control of them. God has taught me to find a balance between my heart and mind. I have learned to allow myself to be vulnerable yet I do not overwhelmingly lose myself to my imagined fears.

The independence of being a young adult has afforded me freedom to go places and acquire extraordinary experiences. With each new experience I am being trained to make those choices that are meant to only bring me good. I have made some bad choices along the way but I have learned to move on, to try and make better choices the next time around.

Courage has grown in my heart, albeit slowly. It developed as God allowed me to take prudent risks and learn to believe that it is worth the possibility of pain and failure because at the other end of these risks are joy and success. I have come a long way since the days those days when I was too afraid to attempt anything because I only foresaw failure in the end.

Some things are better learned through experience. How else can I better understand my friends unless I, too, have been counted among those who have loved and lost, failed and gotten up again, been hurt and received healing? Yes, I learn from my own experiences but I also glean wisdom from the experiences of others. Thus, what I have been cherishing most these past few weeks are my dear Christian friends - their lives and their unflagging faith in God as they face the tests of life.

And so I am enjoying this season of growing and maturing. The experience is widening my horizon, opening my eyes to the realities of life and the miracles of God. Most especially, I am developing an unshakeable faith because my identity is in God.

I am a young adult but I am still a child… a maturing child of God.

Was it all worth it?

The world cried as they heard of your tragedy.

People felt personally connected to you

Because of your songs and moves.

The news said that for a few hours the world stopped

To join the memorial service for you

Because you were the "greatest entertainer the" world has ever seen.

Many praised you for your talent.

Your children spoke of you as a wonderful parent.

Your family and friends testified of your goodness and honesty.

In a way you have gained the world

Fame, glory, and wealth

You will always be remembered for your talent.

It made me think though...

Was it all worth it?

Did you find yourself in the process?

Your story seems to tell it...

Lost, confused, unable to sleep

Trying to find meaning?

I do wish that you have found it

What is real, true, noble and pure

What is it? God and His love.

That is the only purpose of our lives

To bring glory to God

And to point others to Him.

And so I ask again and again

Was it all worth it?

I am not sure it was, for you.

Growing in faith

I have been posting songs in the last few days. And I will surely post some more. These are not random songs. They talk about what I am journeying through and they speak to me as I get encouraged to see through the pain and questions. 

 

The verses I write here are the answers I have been getting from God.  Wait. Be brave. Take courage. Be patient. It is not easy to wait. Harder still to wait for something you do not know. It is what I have been doing anyway… at least, I am trying.   

 

There were days that I didn’t want to open His WORD. I knew the answer I would get. Wait. And it can get tiring and difficult to be told to wait. I couldn’t help myself though for I have no choice but to go back to Him. I can only find meaning in this life when I try to see it from His eyes. Again and again, I remember that it is all for His glory and it is all about Him. In case some may consider God so self-absorbed, I have to declare to myself and to others that He did give His precious Son to die in my place. And thus, I find value in myself for I was precious enough to be saved from damnation. And most especially, loved.

 

I love you, God. I love you, Jesus. Be with me, Holy Spirit. It has taken me years to say those words and truly mean them. It is so easy to say, oh, I love God. But to tell it to Him who deserves it from us is different. It makes Him more real and personal.

The journey continues. The ups and downs persist. Each day, each hour. As I ask Him to give me the faith, I too decided to believe. The words I received this morning?  

"Be strong…. The LORD will do what is good in his sight. – 1 Chronicles 19:13" 

I am believing. He will get me through this.

Safe in a crazy world by Corinne May

I try to smile my tears away,
I try to keep my cool.
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter,
My heart just wants to bleed and stop Believing in me.

It feels like nothing is for certain
and that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain to the theatre of my dreams
I stumble and i crumble and I'm sinking to my knees for you
You cradle me

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again

Noise keeps chasing me
No matter where I go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's on a TV show
When it's hard to tell what's real
From what the world just wants to preach
You are the voice I seek

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again

'cause when I'm wrapped up in your arms
Nothing else can touch me
What a wonderful way to recharge
I feel like I can breathe again

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again

The Mentalist

I first saw Simon Baker as Nick Fallin in the drama “The Guardian.” There was something intense about how he played his role as a hardened corporate lawyer finding meaning in his life after being found guilty of drug possession and was now serving (as a sentence) as a legal child advocate (pro-bono work). 

In the new series, The Mentalist, Simon works as Patrick Jane, an independent consultant with the California Bureau of Investigation (CBI). With his expert skills of observation, he helps his teammates find the perpetrators of various murder cases as well as pursues the tracks of Red John, a serial killer who took the life of Jane’s wife and daughter. Most of the stories had interesting twists and turns, surprising the viewers but there were times that the plot was already predictable (just find the most unlikely guilty person) and the weaving of the story weak. This series was really meant for the role of Patrick Jane because most of the other actor’s characters were not fully developed. Sometimes, their acting was wooden and unbelievable. New age thoughts and practices are very prominent so take heed to not believe everything being said and shown in the series.

 

Why am I drawn to the character of Patrick Jane? His role reveals the journey that we go through as we choose between right and wrong. Because he battles between the desire for revenge yet he knows that he won’t get satisfaction from it (as he interviewed those who killed for revenge). Because he does good deeds (anonymously) and perseveres to put the guilty behind bars. He understands why some people make bad decisions yet he does not condone them. How he shows his seriousness about work but can be like a playful little child when he get ideas in his head. Lest I forget, I like how he disarmingly charms his way through many hurdles by giving his lovely smile.

Song of my heart

"Center Of My Joy"

Ruben Studdard

Jesus You're the center of my joy

All that's good and perfect

Comes from You

You're the heart of my contentment

Hope for all I do

Jesus You're the center of my joy

Oh, help me sing

Jesus You're the center of my joy

All that's good and perfect

Said it comes from You

Yes it does, yes it does

You're the heart of my contentment

Hope for all I do

What's his name?

Jesus

Jesus You're the center of my joy

Oh

When I've lost my direction

You're the compass for my way

You're the fire and light when

Nights are long and cold

In sadness You are the laughter

That shadows all my fears

When I'm all alone

Your hand is there to hold

Oh, oh

Jesus, yes you are

Jesus You're the center of my joy

All that's good and perfect

Comes from You

You're the heart of my contentment

Hope for all I do

Jesus You're the center of my joy

My joy

You are why I find pleasure

In the simple things in life

You're the music in the meadows

And the streams

The voices of the children

My family and my home

You're the source and finisher

Of my highest dreams

Oh, Jesus, oh

Jesus You're the center of my joy

All that's good and perfect

Said it comes from You

Yes it does, yes it does

You're the heart of my contentment

Hope for all I do

Oh Jesus

You're the center of my joy

Oh Jesus

You're the center of my joy

And Jesus, nobody but you, you you you you you

Of my Joy

Jesus, you are the center of my joy

Jesus, you are the center of my joy

When I was down

You picked me up

When I was thirsty

You filled my cup

Jesus

You're the center of my joy

Oh Jesus, You're the center of my joy

Oh oh

My joy

Hallelujah