Like Joshua

It's the name of my brother. The name of a friend. The name of a friend's son. Somehow though, I never fully appreciated the original Joshua.

Together with many other readers of the 1 year Bible plan (www.fromgardentocity.com), I just finished the last chapter of this book in the Bible. And thankful for it.

His was a great life. Because he chose to follow the God of his predecessor (Moses). Though he had so many challenges (what with the complaints and disobedience of the Israelites!), he led the people through the many miracles God blessed them with. There's the fall of walls of Jericho. The defeat of other nations. The sun that did not set while he held his hands up. The parting of the sea while the people crossed. The reason for this great blessing? He heeded the commandments of God. He was courageous. He was strong in the Lord.

In the last chapter, he asked the people to make a choice. To serve other gods or to serve the only true God.

I choose to follow the true and living God. Like Joshua.

Celebrating in heaven

I heard her name mentioned but it didn't register anything in my mind. Part of me, I think couldn't quite believe it. So I analyzed again the words I heard and when I realized what I was hearing, I was shocked.

Ate (big sister) Corly died last week. She was part of our young adults ministry in church. She was 52 when she went back to God. Quite young to our earthly standards.

I felt sad to hear the news and got teary eyed when we went to her wake this afternoon. I was not as close to her as others were, mainly because of age. And also because we didn't spend too much time together. But I've always liked her. Because of her sweet countenance, her smiling face and her helping hands. She often has a appreciative word directed to anyone.

I know though that we are assured that she is in heaven. Celebrating with God and finally healed and free of any pains. From her life, I have learned certain things. I would want to be remembered as she had been remembered. And to have her happy disposition and forgiving heart.

Bye ate Corly. I know we will see you again someday. We will celebrate then.

Smiling through my tears

For the first in many years, if not the first time ever, I found myself crying and smiling at the same time. Maybe it was because of the blessings in my life these days. Maybe it was because I have gained a better perspective of the world as I invested more time in reading God’s words. Maybe it was because I was feeling better physically today. Or a mixture of all these things.

As I read the message and looked at the pictures sent by a friend, as I experienced joy for her joy, I suddenly felt this happiness and peace that everything would be well. My lips widened into a smile, my eyes became teary eyed and I said with conviction to myself, “God, You are truly in control.”

How could I have doubted it? How could I have worried and feared about the future? When I should know in my heart and mind that I have a Father who already sees the life ahead of me. Good and bad things happen to us. People enter into or depart from our lives. In each situation, we should remember that we do not see yet the ending. We do not see the whole picture.

I want to capture this moment as I smile through my tears. Even though words cannot describe what I am feeling.

So that I will remember.

He is in control.

Back to the present

It feels like I haven't written for a year. It hasn't been that long but with all the thoughts turning in my head and words I wanted to write, it felt like that.

Two trips a month apart, preparations and finally transferring to a new place, finishing touches on my thesis, procedural requirements to finish school, short and long-term projects at work. These made my life a little crazier than usual for the last 3 months.

And here I am. Installed in our new home. Finally blogging even though I should be organizing boxes of the years gone by. Stopping myself from venturing too much into my past for I might just find myself shedding some more tears. Forcing myself to let go of so many documents and objects so that there would be space for new things to come in. Still finding it hard to throw away bus tickets, restaurant bills, boarding passes, songbooks, big shirts, etc. Because they still bring to mind sentimental thoughts and memories.

I am thankful though. For those people who helped me get through the past 3 months. My family and relatives, my friends and certain colleagues at work. And especially to God. For He sustained me. He strengthened me.

So here I am again.

Writing.

* picture from www.moneta.com.au

Writing

I was hoping the new year would bring me many writing moments. The few articles I posted testify to this unrealized hope.

Thoughts in my head.

How do I write them down considering that I cannot pin down the swirling thoughts? I should remind myself that writing helps stabilize my beliefs and cast away my doubts. The written word somehow concretizes what I should remember: that I can trust God, that I should doubt my doubts but never doubt God.

I should write everyday.

Linking above

Each year must begin with a time of prayer and fasting. To seek forgiveness for past sins. To allow God to purify the heart. To ask for God’s direction.

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The week-long prayer and fasting was helpful. It is the only way to start the year right.

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One of the disciplines in my faith walk that I found difficult to learn is prayer.

When I was younger, I’ve had moments when I would fall asleep while a passionate soul would pray for more than 10 minutes. I have to confess that I sometimes felt like banging my head against the wall (or table) because I couldn’t bear the long wait. I felt guilty for not being faithful enough to muster the required attention. I felt inadequate that I could not pray as long as the others nor be as eloquent as they could.

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In my interaction with other believers and groups, I have learned to appreciate an intimate conversational style of prayer. To pair up with one person (or 2) and each one would utter a few sentences of prayer. In fact, it is more like a ping-pong style of prayer. Back and forth, back and forth, until we have mentioned all the items to be prayed for. I can concentrate and agree on whatever the other person would say. This also allows me to remember the things that have been prayed for and just focus my thoughts on the next topic to be lifted to God. The intimate setting allows me to be open to say what God is leading me to say. And most importantly, I am still awake at the end of the prayer time.

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My personal style of prayer is simple. I just talk to God whatever comes to my head. I say simple words. I sometimes forget the words I would like to say and even things I wanted to pray for. So I just pray whenever I remember something I need to bring to God. Any time all day.

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Corporate prayer is very different, I have learned. There should be structure. There should be preparation. Our Father is a God of order. But we should also be open to the moving of the Holy Spirit as He gives us the words to utter.

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It’s going to be a prayer year.

My first love

I will always remember 2009 as the year I first fell in love. I wish I could say that it ended happily. It did not. Tears flowed. Hearts got hurt. Goodbyes were said.

The journey of heartache was difficult. I still wish that it didn’t have to happen but I now value what the experience taught me. Truly, there is no greater learning than that which we go through ourselves. It is more real and the lessons learned would remain unforgotten.

I came face to face with my tendency to seek validation from another person. It was completely wrong. I should only seek this from God. And so I learned, the hard way, my real value. I matter to God. He loves me so much that He chose to die for me. He forgives me and He showers me with His mercy. There is no need to find meaning through another person’s approval, affection or devotion. I have found that in God.

My friend wisely told me that at least I now know I am capable of loving another person. Though I prayed and dreamed about having that special someone, it was often hard to imagine how it would happen. I was afraid to risk my heart and be vulnerable. I hid behind my mantra of waiting for God’s will while maintaining my distance from interactions and relationships with men. Because of what happened, I am sometimes afraid of risking my heart again. What for? For another measure of pain and tears? But I am refusing to be bowed down by my fears, imagined and real, because there is that possibility that God would allow me to find the promise He has reserved for me. And even if I do not find an earthly mate, I know that my heavenly groom awaits me.

The best insight? I got a glimpse of what God feels when we reject Him as He offers His love to us. Only now could I fully understand how I daily break His heart and the longing He feels when I disobey Him and do not love Him in return. I repeat, I got a glimpse. For the love I offered was not unconditional and selfless. His is perfect. There is no comparison. Somehow though, I can fully appreciate the extent of God’s love and grace. And be more thankful by trying to know and love Him more.

Yes, I fell in love and got my heart broken. I needed God’s refining. I had to find my meaning in Him. I needed to see and appreciate His perfect love for me. Through the months of pain, many only saw my smiling lips and cheerful face. Some probed the reason for my blooming image. They didn’t know. I was falling in love all over again. To the one who deserved to be loved first of all.

I still dream that someday God would allow me to fall in love again with the man He has chosen for me. I would be wiser then. But when I look back to 2009, I would remember how by having my heart broken, I finally found my place in God's loving embrace.