My first love

I will always remember 2009 as the year I first fell in love. I wish I could say that it ended happily. It did not. Tears flowed. Hearts got hurt. Goodbyes were said.

The journey of heartache was difficult. I still wish that it didn’t have to happen but I now value what the experience taught me. Truly, there is no greater learning than that which we go through ourselves. It is more real and the lessons learned would remain unforgotten.

I came face to face with my tendency to seek validation from another person. It was completely wrong. I should only seek this from God. And so I learned, the hard way, my real value. I matter to God. He loves me so much that He chose to die for me. He forgives me and He showers me with His mercy. There is no need to find meaning through another person’s approval, affection or devotion. I have found that in God.

My friend wisely told me that at least I now know I am capable of loving another person. Though I prayed and dreamed about having that special someone, it was often hard to imagine how it would happen. I was afraid to risk my heart and be vulnerable. I hid behind my mantra of waiting for God’s will while maintaining my distance from interactions and relationships with men. Because of what happened, I am sometimes afraid of risking my heart again. What for? For another measure of pain and tears? But I am refusing to be bowed down by my fears, imagined and real, because there is that possibility that God would allow me to find the promise He has reserved for me. And even if I do not find an earthly mate, I know that my heavenly groom awaits me.

The best insight? I got a glimpse of what God feels when we reject Him as He offers His love to us. Only now could I fully understand how I daily break His heart and the longing He feels when I disobey Him and do not love Him in return. I repeat, I got a glimpse. For the love I offered was not unconditional and selfless. His is perfect. There is no comparison. Somehow though, I can fully appreciate the extent of God’s love and grace. And be more thankful by trying to know and love Him more.

Yes, I fell in love and got my heart broken. I needed God’s refining. I had to find my meaning in Him. I needed to see and appreciate His perfect love for me. Through the months of pain, many only saw my smiling lips and cheerful face. Some probed the reason for my blooming image. They didn’t know. I was falling in love all over again. To the one who deserved to be loved first of all.

I still dream that someday God would allow me to fall in love again with the man He has chosen for me. I would be wiser then. But when I look back to 2009, I would remember how by having my heart broken, I finally found my place in God's loving embrace.