It was only two weeks ago that I realized something. I never really thought much about it. True, I enjoy the stories. I sob when there are hurdles. I feel distressed over separations. I gush over the happy endings. But at the end of a real story, or of a song, a movie, a play or a book, it is all over. Out it goes from my mind. I get on with my life.
Recently though, in far-away lands, I was surrounded by what seemed to be its blissful manifestations. I read real and delightful testimonies about it in the virtual world. And of course, the cheery time of the year makes one feel it in the air. But what made it strikingly real to me was a line written by a friend. In his blog (www.capncrisp.multiply.com), he declared… “I told Claire that I love her.”
I had to ask myself, how did he know? For that matter, how does anyone recognize its presence? And so when I got back, I pestered some close friends. How does it feel? How do you know that it is the right person? What was the sign given to you?
On the question of feeling, the standard reply was “masarap” (wonderful). Happy. Another remarked that people would think you are silly for having a constant smile on your lips. On the question how do you know… the reply was, you’d know! Regarding the sign, the replies varied.
I understand how it feels to be happy. I am familiar with having a silly smile on my lips. About knowing, that is another thing.
I am fairly certain that I have never been in love. The romantic kind, anyway. I know all about loving God. I am familiar with filial or familial love. Love for pets, I have lots of this. But the engulfing emotion books narrate, the intense sensations that become the center of stories, the stirring feelings over which movies make a saga of… this I don’t think I ever went through.
Other questions…what does love entail? How powerful is it? Is it really so overwhelming that one would be willing to leave everything known and familiar? And travel halfway around the world to be with a loved one? Or to concede about so many things one believes in, swayed by love? How strong is it to make one courageous enough to give his/her heart to another person and hope that the other person would hold it with care? How does one know that it is not just deep infatuation and completely flitting?
It is said that it is better to have loved and failed than to not have loved at all. Also, to not have loved is to not have lived at all.
So does this mean that I have never lived? Do I wish that I have loved romantically in my very younger years? No, I think I don’t. I would have been ill-prepared. It would certainly have been too emotional and hurtful. Surely, I would have made mistakes that I would be lamenting over right now.
What then? What have I to show for the last decade? Simple. I have had a roller coaster love relationship with God. He was constant, I was not. I betray Him. He embraces me. I withdraw, wanting my own way. He forgives and He draws me back in His arms.
Is it right to compare romantic love with God’s love?
No.
For my Father’s love is incomparable. His is far more real and complete. It encompasses me yet it sets me free. During those years of innocence romantically, I have found and learned to know myself. Something I needed to do, if ever I am to be with someone else. I will not change the past for anything. For that was the time I discovered that love is a decision. For when I loved God, it was a decision of my mind and heart.
I still wonder if I am capable of romantic love. Would I be willing to commit my life to another person? In the spirit of discussion, will there be such a man who would be eager to be devoted to me despite my failures, challenges, and struggles? Would the door of my heart open to such an offering?
I think so. I hope so.
Something else… there is something I realized. If ever God will grant me such a love, there is a very important feature I have to find. The non-negotiable factor. This man must be passionately intimate with my God. He must be zealously pursuing a loving relationship with Him. This man must be totally in love with Him first. Otherwise, no deals.
I heed though the wisdom of Solomon when he said…
<< Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer:
Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe—and you're ready. >>
It will come. If the Lord wills it.
For now, I am just basking in my love affair with God.
And oh, May dear, one other thing. This man, it wouldn’t hurt if he would look yummy in my eyes. :- )
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