I never want to be

Life. There are things that you don’t want. There are things that you want. You reach out after those that you desire and you find all means on earth to escape from those you dislike. Until it finds you.

Someone told me once that you could try to outrun something in your life but it will always come back to you, may be worse than before, until you have learned what it is meant to teach you. Until then, it will pursue you.

And it is happening to me. All over again. Is it the second time? Third? Nope. It’s the fourth. And truly, it has become harder.

I ask myself pointlessly why. Why sometimes God causes unwanted things to happen in our lives. But why ask? I know the answer. I just need to accept. Even if it is hard. For now it has doubled or tripled its force. It brought more lessons along. Battering down each stronghold. Assaulting hindrances. Going to the center of being.

I tell myself. You are being melodramatic. This is too much.

Convince myself. It is really simple. Just allow it to be.

Trying. Each day. Hoping that it will change. But I know that it won’t. I have to wait and learn.

And trust.

Smiling

A smile. A giggle. A laugh. These expressions of joy were only given to human beings. Can a cat smile? Have you ever heard a dog laugh? Try to imagine a giggling crocodile. Quite hard.

In my walk with God, I realized that a smile, a giggle, a laugh are windows to one’s soul. I formed the belief that only those who are truly close to God could do these things sincerely.

In the different worlds I live in, I encounter various kinds of people. Wherever I find myself, I try to find friends. I do not look for much. Not social standing. Not academic accomplishments. Not big fat bank accounts. Not physical attractiveness.

I search for a kindred soul. I look for similar interests. I consider beliefs. Also, I try to find sincere souls. For a sincere person will always be true to you. Not just showing one facet, but like a diamond, you can see all of its parts.

But how do I find this person? The first step? Through a simple sieve.

When they greet me, I look for their smiles. It must be a smile that starts from the lips and goes up to the eyes. From the window of their eyes, I get a glimpse of their heart.

I listen to the human sounds for joy. I love hearing the quiet confident chuckle or the suppressed joyful giggle of a person. I love hearing the all-out laughter.

I dislike the fake laugh. Or even the forced chuckle.

But sometimes, in order to protect ourselves and the people around us, we tend to do these things. Force a smile. Giggle nervously. Coerce oneself to laugh cheerfully.

My wish though is always to give and to receive sincerity.

Greet me sincerely. Please smile.

Chuckle. Giggle. Laugh. Truthfully.

Words

Words. Are they enough to say what you mean? Are they adequate to express what is deep inside you? In my attempts to write, I begin to realize that I write best when I am fully happy, passionately angry, deeply emotional, totally hurt, or utterly sad. In my efforts to jot down my thoughts and to exercise the skill, sometimes I find myself totally blocked.

I hope one day that it will come naturally.

Finishing

A day or two before tonight, I was going through a sort of a crisis. I made plans and set my mind to do something but a certain hurdle came my way. I was beginning to wonder if I was taking the right steps to achieve a project. I cannot see the ending. I do not know even this late what is the purpose of this goal. A goal that I did not realize I have to achieve but now I must reach. And if I do accomplish my goal, what is the next step? What would this achievement bring to me? I felt deflated. I felt tired.

I have always been a finisher. Everything I do, everything I start, I make sure, with everything in me, to finish it. I do not want to rue the day that I gave up on something. I do not want to have not tried. Or to sound like a cliché, it is better to have tried and failed than to have not tried at all.

I have learned though in the past few years that sometimes there are things that you cannot finish. There are decisions that are taken from your hands. There are instances when you cannot do anything but give up because it is no longer the path that is being given to you. Sometimes, not finishing something is really its end.

Back to my little “crisis.” Doubts crowded my head. I came to the point of asking myself if it is time to let go and pursue other things that I feel are right. I said to myself, enough, I am ready to give up. Yet, I feel that if I do not go on, everything would be wasted.

And so I prayed. I asked if it is according to His purpose that I pursue this road? There would be less work. There would be less worries. There would be less challenge. It would be an easy way out. Yet, I think, there would be less of a life.

My prayer was answered early this morning. The hurdle was taken away. I was happy. Yet I know that a bigger hurdle has come my way. Finishing what I started would entail a lot of time, effort and money. Along the way I know that I would be so ready to give up. I would be too tired. I would be depressed. I might even think that maybe I mistook the signs. There would be misgivings.

When I was in high school and college and not having the luxury to repeat classes nor lengthen the years of my education, I have imbibed my own motto. I taught it to my brother who reminded it back to me. I remember telling him pointedly not to ask if he would finish something or not because he must finish it. Do not worry about the hurdles. Do not think about any options. There would be no ifs and buts. There is only one goal. Just finish.

God is teaching me to ask Him first whenever I pursue everything and anything. And at the same time reminding me that I need to reach after my goal with zeal. He is telling me to finish what I started. The hurdle that has caused me pain is now an eye-opener. I needed this.

Random thoughts

I previously thought that once I have a constant access to a computer and use of the internet that I would become a factory of articles. In my mind I have played the dream that I could be just churning out words, mixing them up, inserting a foreign word here and there, brandishing a grand idea or reinventing a new way of writing.

It was not the case. Easier said than done. Words fail me now. I haven’t written anything for quite some time. I have to admit that there are reasons and distractions. One, I am becoming more and more busy. People at the office have realized that I have some god tricks up my sleeves so they have been asking me to do more work. When I go home, tired, I really just want to read the entries of my friends. It’s is more relaxing to appreciate their writing. It’s like someone screwed out the creative juice in me all day that there was nothing left for me to write about at night. Then, more responsibilities at church made me focus more on things that could help direct the future of souls. How can one say no to a higher calling? So I type the program, make follow-ups, plan for the week. And then there is my infernal memory. I usually think of something to write about anytime of the day and then promise myself to write it out later. But in front of the monitor, I get stumped. What did I want to write about? Even if I remember the subject, I have forgotten how I wanted the words to come out.

O well, there are good days, there area bad days. And I am having a bad case of the not-so-good days.

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I received a text message this morning. From a young woman who was part of the audience who listened to my story of a changed life. It was in a previous entry that I mentioned my fear of being in front of a sea of faces, numerous pairs of eyes all looking out you while you speak about your life and wondering how they would take it all in. She said that she wanted to know God more since she heard me speak. And what I felt was utter joy! My little story encouraged a heart unbeknownst to me. My words, used by God to lift up the spirit of a searcher.

I want my life to count for something. I dream of helping change lives in the truest sense of the word. I want to be remembered not for my expertise in a particular field nor for anything temporary, but for being an instrument in directing a soul to the right path.

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A friend’s entry encouraged me to clean up my mess of a room. I am normally an organized person but a busy schedule and a sentimental heart are a bad combination. I tend to accumulate movie tickets not only to get points (for a privilege card) but also to remind me that this day a few years ago I watched this fantastic movie. I have those mercury Drug receipts and credit card receipts plust the billings. I keep all my used prepaid loads for reasons I no longer know. And of course, no one could blame me if I hoard all the birthday and Christmas cards I received for so many years especially if they contain meaningful messages from dear people I know. Then there are the notes I made from past summer camps, Sunday sermons, and ministry activities. I learned so much from those. I have my crossstich patters, threads, cloths and finished works, Then the hundreds of pictures plus the product of technology– picture CDs. I have past planners and journals. I have many mailed letters since high school days.

Catching on her question, I asked the same to myself : Am I keeping these stuff so that I could throw them on another day (thanks drifter!)? A mind set all over again. I tried to convince myself to throw all my stuff. But I just couldn’t. Not all of them anyway. I finished my Sunday evening looking through a cabinet. I took out all the contents and tried my best to shoot into the trash the things that my heart are willing to let go. Some are fairly easy to give up. But my letters and certain cards I have to keep. I still need to clean out some storage area. I am fairly sure that I will find things that would require great decisions. To borrow : to throw or not to throw, that is the question!

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I think that I have a gentle spirit. I tend to think of the positive side of people. Some even say that I am naïve. But there are things that might just make me do evil to someone.

Don’t get me wrong, smokers can smoke away to their hearts’ content and I will not care. Just don’t do it with my air. Some of us are not blessed with sturdy lungs. To my peril (or not), I have been given a family history of asthma plus the sensitivity to all kinds of strong smells. Even to perfumes, unfortunately, I get dizzy.

And so to my eternal disgust, someone at the office smokes inside the conference room. And I want to ask this person several questions. Where do you think the smoke goes after you puff it out of a cigarette? Does it stay just inside the room? If only this being could understand plain English or I could explain properly the scientific principle behind the circulation of air inside an office building, then I would probably march and explain it to her. No such luck.

And so my lungs just take all the pollution in. and quarterly, I have noticed, my lungs decide to clean itself up. I cough. A lot. Breathing at night became hard.

I sometimes imagine that I would probably die of lung cancer. Or any disease related to breathing. My lungs. My poor, poor lungs.

And so just imagine what goes through my mind to make her stop doing what she is doing. Try to think what I sometimes wish for so that I could have a relatively clean air during my long stay in the office. Don’t think that I am that bad. What I do now is that I pray. Please, please, make her stop. Let me have my pure, unadulterated air, if there is such a thing on this earth.

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Now I have written.

My pathway to God

I am reading the book written by John Ortberg, "The Life You've Always Wanted."

In one of his many interesting chapters, he wrote that each one of us, uniquely created by God, has a different way of meeting God.

I think there are those who feel closest to God in their music, while they dance, when inside a quiet room, hearing the raindrops fall on the road, atop a mountain, seeing the rainbow after a thunderstorm, or gazing at the face of a sleeping child.

1. In some of my trips, local or otherwise, I have discovered that I feel most closest to God when I gaze at the beauty of His creation.

1. For who, in his right mind, wouldn't be amazed as we witness the mystery of God's creation? How can one doubt that there is a Being up above who controls everything in His hands?

Look at the melange of colors in the sky. See how the light of the sun reflects on the water.

How can such a small animal possess the biggest eyes?

... Seems solid yet soft. Two adjectives that are contrary to each other yet they are found in a starfish...

Hundreds of little green hills... different shapes and heights yet they create a simple beauty that one's eyes can feast on.

My favorite... spend a quiet afternoon beside a beach, look above and think that you are talking to God.
Spending your time with God. Before His wonderful creation. A treat. Just perfect.

A wedding in Dumaguete

This is my fourth time to be a bridesmaid in a wedding. I hope it is not a sign of what the future holds. May it not be the saying "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride." :- )

This is my closest friend in my church. During her special day.

I pray that she will have a wonderful marriage, forever founded on God.

Congrats Abby! Congrats Neil! God bless!