Back to the past for the future

I almost didn't make it. I was hesitant about joining. I was not sure if I would love to return to that chapter of my life. But I knew it was time to go back. To remember the past and in many ways, to move on to the future.

= = =

Many years ago, on the advent of my sojourn out there, a deep hurt was planted. I was put on a balance and was found wanting. The custom had been there since the beginning and maybe they could not help it. Their basis though should not have been superficial, but I don't think they ever considered the repercussions of their actions. I know that the pain never went away. I think I have never forgiven them.

In retrospect, maybe they did me a favor. The damage might have been greater. Thus, in fact, they helped save me. But I didn't see it that way before. I had to go back in order for me to grasp a different perspective. I may now start saying goodbye. And pardon.

= = =

From the unlikely person, I got a few lessons. Three, to be exact. On my reticence, I was told jokingly that we are too old to be shy. And I had to admit, in fact, there is no reason to be. Regarding the most unloved teacher, he had none. In fact, the person I had the unpleasant recollections of was the best one he had. Just goes to show that our experiences do not make up the complete reality. There is always another side to the coin. Regarding my skills, or the lack thereof, he remembered that I once gained an accolade. I needed to be reminded. It existed once. I know I can find it again. Or maybe, it was just meant to disappear. It was God's way to direct me to another path. Otherwise, I would have gotten lost.

= = =

Seeing how little they were, the new generation, I wonder, were we really like that as well? We were so small yet we acted like we were so mature. We took life seriously. We had the world on our own shoulders. Painfully, I realized also that there were no models available from whom we could learn about masculinity or femininity and thus, I see the heartbreaking results today.

Given the choice now, would I go through the same experience? I have to reflect hard. I recognize the knowledge I gained. There were many things nowhere else I could have learned. Many areas were stretched to be creative. Many encounters worth keeping and reliving. But maybe, I need not answer the question. It happened already. I have to see the good things which came from it. I must be thankful. For I am what I am today, in part, because I settled there for awhile.

= = =

With the melange of good and bad experiences, the pain and the joy, the happy memories and the anguished tears, I have to recognize : I was blessed to be there. There is no arguing about it. I am blessed.

Also, it only dawned on me now that I owe my country a little more than the usual Juan and Maria. Thus, someday, in one way or another, I hope to give her something in return.