Back to the past for the future

I almost didn't make it. I was hesitant about joining. I was not sure if I would love to return to that chapter of my life. But I knew it was time to go back. To remember the past and in many ways, to move on to the future.

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Many years ago, on the advent of my sojourn out there, a deep hurt was planted. I was put on a balance and was found wanting. The custom had been there since the beginning and maybe they could not help it. Their basis though should not have been superficial, but I don't think they ever considered the repercussions of their actions. I know that the pain never went away. I think I have never forgiven them.

In retrospect, maybe they did me a favor. The damage might have been greater. Thus, in fact, they helped save me. But I didn't see it that way before. I had to go back in order for me to grasp a different perspective. I may now start saying goodbye. And pardon.

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From the unlikely person, I got a few lessons. Three, to be exact. On my reticence, I was told jokingly that we are too old to be shy. And I had to admit, in fact, there is no reason to be. Regarding the most unloved teacher, he had none. In fact, the person I had the unpleasant recollections of was the best one he had. Just goes to show that our experiences do not make up the complete reality. There is always another side to the coin. Regarding my skills, or the lack thereof, he remembered that I once gained an accolade. I needed to be reminded. It existed once. I know I can find it again. Or maybe, it was just meant to disappear. It was God's way to direct me to another path. Otherwise, I would have gotten lost.

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Seeing how little they were, the new generation, I wonder, were we really like that as well? We were so small yet we acted like we were so mature. We took life seriously. We had the world on our own shoulders. Painfully, I realized also that there were no models available from whom we could learn about masculinity or femininity and thus, I see the heartbreaking results today.

Given the choice now, would I go through the same experience? I have to reflect hard. I recognize the knowledge I gained. There were many things nowhere else I could have learned. Many areas were stretched to be creative. Many encounters worth keeping and reliving. But maybe, I need not answer the question. It happened already. I have to see the good things which came from it. I must be thankful. For I am what I am today, in part, because I settled there for awhile.

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With the melange of good and bad experiences, the pain and the joy, the happy memories and the anguished tears, I have to recognize : I was blessed to be there. There is no arguing about it. I am blessed.

Also, it only dawned on me now that I owe my country a little more than the usual Juan and Maria. Thus, someday, in one way or another, I hope to give her something in return.

God and coffee

I have been listening to the podcasts of Mark Batterson in www.theaterchurch.com. It is in fact a coffee-house where they hold church services.

In his second preaching, Mark mentioned that Jesus is in fact the living coffee. Wonderful for our souls to be caffeinated. Way cool.

It was part of the three-series preaching entitled "So far, so God". It was a reminder to be always thankful to God for bringing us to where we are now.

Just sharing.

My choice

My initial reaction was to burst in anger. How could she? Why put negative meaning to my words? They just mean what they mean! There was no underlying significance, no hidden agenda.

For five minutes I felt like letting my temper get ahead of me. To let my fury get loose (figuratively). But I settled on my chair and looked far into the distance. And thoughts flittered in my mind.

It finally dawned on me that she has always been like this. Seeing too much into anything and everything. Negatively. For so long I listened patiently, trying to understand, making an effort to show her the positive side of life. But I had to stop and distance myself. Otherwise, she would pull me down the abyss. And I don't want to go there. Ever.

So instead of allowing anger to flourish, I decided to gain knowledge from the situation. I, too, have been guilty of the same inclination. I also have the tendency to search too much behind the words and I get hurt or angry. But I have learned not to be like this. Though, of course, this propensity peeks once in a while. And today, I got reminded not to be like that.

I choose to learn from the experience. I cannot do anything about anyone's actions, thoughts or words. But of my own, I have the choice.

Remembering

It's part of the Christian life. The roller coaster ride of faith. The doubts that assail us. The questions that riddle our minds. To wonder when trials would end.

I am no exception. I go through the same ride.

I mentioned it to a friend tonight. Many fear death but in fact it is easier to die, especially if you know where you are going. Wonderful to be in heaven.

Life is harder. Especially if uncertainties assault your mind. But I remember what Paul said : to live is Christ and to die is gain. A good reminder. God has a purpose for my life.

Sometimes, I dare to ask, why. Especially when I read Solomon's words that everything is meaningless. But he himself said in the end: God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad.

Trials make us persevere and develop our faith in Him. That I admit. That I know.

But still, I need to be reminded. I am special in my God's eyes. He died for me. I am loved. Thank God for magic tricks that allow us to remember this truth.(www.myfathersworld.us)

Thank God for friends who assure me that nothing done for Him is in vain.

Thank God for a wonderful news that a love one is now finally a part of the King's family.

Little things. Big things. I need to know. I need to be reminded.

I need to remember.

Omniun-Gatherum (Random Thoughts 5)

There are wishes we dare not mention to anyone, not being sure that we truly want them. And so we utter them to the One who knows best. I have one such wish. No one knows it. I dare not even explicitly mention it in my prayers. I am not certain of what the outcome would be.

God seems to be granting the wish. But in a way I did not see. God really works mysteriously.

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My voice is gone. Let me correct myself. I do have a voice but it sounds more like a croak. Unfortunately, it was not the result of a night-long singing at a karaoke bar, nor was it because of too much sweets or ice cream. Nope, it was because of the cigarette smoke which wafted inside our apartment-house. Our barangay just implemented a no-drinking rule outside your own houses. And thus, our neighbor, together with his friends, decided to drink for two succeeding nights on the little porch that our two houses share. And of course, for many, drinking is accompanied by smoking. Fine by me. Not my lungs, not my life. But not when the dreaded smoke goes into our house. Not when I am, in fact, allergic to cigarette smoke. Not when I had to shell out a thousand pesos for antibiotics and a special kind of lozenges.

I am planning to speak to him. I do pray that he will take it kindly. I don't want to have enemies. I just want to breathe normally. I just want my voice back.

= = =

I am thankful that I have the choice to change. Otherwise, what a sad, sad life it would be! Change opinions. Change perspectives. Change personalities. Change friends (yes, it is possible!). Change life. But always, always, always for the better.

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With all the problems besetting our country today, I can't help but wonder when all this would end. I have come to love my country more and more as I grew older and I truly desire to see it out of the grasp of corruption, mediocrity, self-interest, in a word, sin.

I joke around sometimes that, in fact, we are slowly taking over the world by sending to all four-corners of the earth our OFWs. But I have seen families ravaged because of separation, kids who are lost without the guidance of parents, of lives becoming second-class because of financial needs. You get to wonder, how we reached this situation? When will all these end?

Against all hope, I dare to hope that one day, there will rise a leader who will spearhead change because he/she himself has been changed.

Goals for a lifetime

I am not Chinese but I claim this date as mine to celebrate. I was supposed to finish my goals last month but as usual, busy lives hinder us to do the things we want to do. But I want to finish this. I wrote something like this so many years ago but I lost it. I tried to recover that list but I can't find it among my trash...er... stuff. : -)

In a previous blog, I mentioned that three among the five things in my miracle list were granted. And then I read Mark Batterson's blog (www.evotional.com) about setting goals for our lives. I won't repeat what he said but suffice to say, I was inspired to make my own. What's there to lose? This will be my faith list. If God grants half of the things in my list, I would be so happy! But my God is a generous father and thus, I am assured that He can make all of these things happen. As He wills.

I divided them into 3 subcategories : family, experience (includes learning and traveling) and influence goals. Some appear to be very simple while others seem so impossible. They range from learning how to put on make-up to teaching a class, from a cruise for my parents to sending students to school, from having a helicopter ride to having a year-long vacation, from a Batanes tour to entering the pyramids of Egypt, from dancing under the rain to owning my company.

By the way, I am not limiting myself to these things. The list can change each year.

I am too private to tell all of them here but for sure, every time God blesses me with an answer, I will celebrate it by writing it here. For what else can I do but declare His goodness?

Kung Hei Fat Choy!

Just a treat

Hmmm... I am not supposed to be blogging. I am supposed to be translating. But hey, am happy. Just finished the first chapter! Yey!

And to treat myself, I have to post something. Even just to talk about nothing. For tomorrow, I will start with the second chapter. Hay, my eyes are tired.

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The songs of Girl Valencia have been my constant companion for the past few months. Her cool music is just right for someone like me who needs concentration yet requires a constant sound to accompany me in my travails every night. The melody and the words are not cloying. I can play them over and over and over and over and over again. Enough. :- ) I think my fave among her songs are "Sisters" and "Driftwood." Get hold of her CD! It's really wonderful!

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Carla sent me a voice recording of Pablo Neruda's poem. Beauuuutifuuuuul. It reminded of the TV series Beauty and the Beast? I don't recall too many from my childhood days but I don't think I'll ever forget the hauntingly touching theme song "The First Time I Loved Forever." Posting it here, including the poems in-between. Again, beauuuutifuuuuuul.


The First Time I Loved Forever

Lyrics by Melanie Safka
Music by Lee Holdridge
Sung byLisa Angelle
(From "Beauty and the Beast")
With excerpts from the poem “Somewhere I Have Never Traveled, Gladly” by the American poet E.E. Cummings

Poem:
“Somewhere I have never traveled
Gladly beyond any experience
Your eyes have their silence
And your most frail gesture of things
Which enclose me
But which I cannot touch
Because they are too near.”

The first time I loved forever
Was when you whispered my name
And I knew at once you loved me
For the me of who I am

The first time I loved forever
I cast all else aside
And I bid my heart to follow
Be there no more need to hide

And if wishes and dreams
Are merely for children
And if love's a tale for fools
I'll live the dream with you

Poem:
“oh, if your words be to close me
I, my life will shut, very beautifully
Suddenly, as when the heart of this flower
Imagines the snow carefully, everywhere
descending”.

For all my life and forever
There's a truth I will always know
When my world divides and shatters
Your love is where I'll go

Poem:
“I do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens. Only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses.
Nobody, not even the rain has such small hands.”